fitting in

ok. i don't fit in.

i mean, you woulda expected me to fit in ok with the people at vet school right? after all, we are here doing the same subject, we have the same passion, so we should have plenty of things to talk about right? instead, to my coursemates, i'm just an exceedingly quiet person who doesn't say a word, who is a loner, who has no friends. how pathetic is that? worse, i'm not even geeky. i fall asleep in lectures (unintentionally!), i fail exams, i don't know the answers to questions. i'm just a joke, an idiot to be laughed at.

this is not what i expected. not in a million years.

i don't fit into hong kong either. i'm not skinny enough. i'm not obsessed about my appearance enough. i don't speak like a local. i don't think like one. i don't even like the mentality of most hongkong-ers. i don't gossip enough. i'm not interested enough about the celebs. i don't know the latests songs, the latest trends. i still consider hong kong my home town, but the present hong kong is not the same as the one i know anymore.

so basically, the point is, i don't fit into anywhere. i get along great with the bbc, and those chinese / asians who have been abroad for ages. but that's about it.

ya. that's why i said, it's pathetic.

rant 01

why do people have to make such a big deal over such a tiny little thing?
that's what i meant when i said people magnify their own problems.
get over it young man.

身材

好討厭啲男人喺女人面前講第二啲女人0既身材, '嘩, 嗰個正啦, 夠大喎!' '嘩, 條腿咁粗, 仲著短裙?' '嘩, 嗰舊扒, 据唔落喎!' 可能我自己 insecure 啦, 總會覺得佢哋咁樣喺我面前講, 係想間接踩我咁. 即係你哋自己男人同男人之間講我唔 care 囉, 但係唔妳喺我面前講囉唔該.

唔知啲男仔 fren 喺我背後踩過我幾多次呢?

shame

i'm so ashamed of myself. my mum and my sister are ever so proud of me for making it to vet school. i, on the other hand, have been lagging behind since day one. i know i've got so much more to offer, i know i haven't tried my best. what's going on with me? i've let my family down, i've let myself down, yet i'm doing nothing about this.

my mum has spent all her money on me, she's put all her hope on me. i can't fuck this up.

this is what i need

i figured it out. i need to learn not to give it all up just because of a little hiccups. i need to ditch my all-or-nothing mindset, which is probably the root cause of most of my problems.

now i know why people pray. i'm praying for some strength. amen.

my pathetic life

seriously, i don't know what's wrong with me.

actually, i lied. i do know what's wrong. my eating pattern is fucked up. my sleep pattern is fucked up. to be precise, i don't know how to eat normally anymore. i'm either starving or my stomach is so bloated i wanna throw up. more than that, i'm always eating at odd hours: midnight, early morning, you name it. and then i feel guilty about it, which sucks. my sleep pattern is worse. if you know me (but of course you don't) you'll know that i often stay up at night. and when i say i stay up at night i mean i stay up for the whole night. and then i start dropping off at like five or six in the morning, and of course i end up sleeping in and not getting up in time for my lectures. trust me, i *have* tried to change. but i guess i haven't tried hard enough as every time i come back to this same old pattern. no matter how tired or lethargic i feel in the morning, i'm always awake at night, which doesn't help matters at all. the thing is it's not only lectures i miss. i've also missed a number of my riding lessons, meetings, everything, all because i fall asleep at the wrong time. i know this is going to affect my career - if i can't get up for work i'm fucked. so i really need to rectify this problem asap.

i also get tired very easily, presumably because of my lack of sleep. i find it very hard to concentrate, my mind wanders. this has led to my poor academic performance. i had to resit my second year final exams, and now it looks like i'll have to do some of my third year exams again in august. i got back the result of december's pathology exam today. i failed it, which didn't come as a surprise. still, it was kind of shocking to see the word FAIL written in capital letters on the screen. i guess part of me was hoping for a miracle, which of course didn't exist. i didn't think i would pass, as i knew for a fact that i totally fucked up my spot exam at the very least. i didn't get even the most basic questions right. only five people failed, and i was one of them. to say i'm upset is an understatement, even though i fully expected this result. i have no tears though. maybe i've lost the ability to cry? pharmacology result's not back yet, but i don't think i passed that either. if anything that was even worse than the patholgy.

i don't really want to go to uni tomorrow. i don't want questions from people. 'how did you do?' am i supposed to lie to that? or should i expose my vulnerability to all my coursemates - people i see every day but hardly know? it would be like stripping naked in public, if not worse. if i tell them i failed what will they think? 'she's such a loser i knew she wasn't gonna to pass.' some might offer me sympathy, which is really the last thing i need. you know when people say they fucked up an exam they mean they're gonna get 70% instead of 90%. when i say i fucked up i mean i failed. period. i'm gonna have to see my dos - what am i supposed to say to her? that i'm too lazy? that i'm too stupid to do this course? honestly i don't want to face any of these, my confidence was shattered a long time ago. as kelly clarkson sings, my confidence 'can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with'.

as if this wasn't enough, my friend k told me she got the job at meadowood which is a small chinese restaurant on lothian road. i know i'm supposed to be happy for her, but instead i've only got spite. at the beginning of last term i, too, was tryign to look for a job. i looked everywhere - bars, nightclubs, clothes stores, restaurants. i gave out my cv's to almost everywhere i could think of. i didn't get any replies. not even one. and now k got a job without even handing in a cv. i know the problem lies with me - everybody manages to get a job except me. it might have been my cv. but still, it's frustrating. i could only pretend to be happy for k. at least you can pretend on msn.

so, this, ladies and gentlemen, is my pathetic life at the mo. what does god want me to learn from all these?

first blog

so. first xanga. then msn space. then notes on facebook. and now this.

i want people to know what i think. but at the same time i don't want them to know too much. too many people read my xanga for my liking. and no, i don't mean strangers. i don't care about strangers - they don't know me and they have nothing to do with my life. i'm talking about people who i barely know, but who i know nevertheless. or people who know me through other people. and they're checking out my site not because they care, but purely because they want to gossip about me, find someone to judge. i don't want to show them my weaknesses.

thus all you'll ever find on my xanga is random stuff. one liners. things that don't matter. things that don't tell people about the kind of person i am.

the same applies to the other two. when did i start to protect myself so ferociously?

this blog is different as none of my friends in 'real' life knows about this. so i can, in principle, say whatever i want here, without worries of offending people, hurting people, or breaking friendships. and if you're reading this you must be a stranger so you can judge me however much you like because it doesn't matter ;)