choice

we are not that different from the bird in a cage.
to the bird the cage is its everything.
we think we have so much freedom, we think we have so many opportunities to do things.
but circumstances always dictate, leaving us with only an illusion of being able to choose.

rant 02

i'm so fed up with people telling me how they had fucked up their exams when in the end they passed anyway.

***

whenever people boast about themselves, intentionally or unintentionally, i feel so sorry for them. if theyr are truly so amazing why do they have to look for approval somewhere else?

***

i used to mind a lot when people call me fat. today i can genuinely say i don't anymore. people come in all shapes and sizes. there is nothing called the perfect size. and if people can't understand this simple fact, shame on them.

yes, i would like to lose some weight. i would like to be more healthy. but i'm not desperate, and i certainly don't base how i see myself on my weight / body shape. also, i am done with crash diets. d.o.n.e.

i know my worth, and i'm proud of myself :))

fitting in

ok. i don't fit in.

i mean, you woulda expected me to fit in ok with the people at vet school right? after all, we are here doing the same subject, we have the same passion, so we should have plenty of things to talk about right? instead, to my coursemates, i'm just an exceedingly quiet person who doesn't say a word, who is a loner, who has no friends. how pathetic is that? worse, i'm not even geeky. i fall asleep in lectures (unintentionally!), i fail exams, i don't know the answers to questions. i'm just a joke, an idiot to be laughed at.

this is not what i expected. not in a million years.

i don't fit into hong kong either. i'm not skinny enough. i'm not obsessed about my appearance enough. i don't speak like a local. i don't think like one. i don't even like the mentality of most hongkong-ers. i don't gossip enough. i'm not interested enough about the celebs. i don't know the latests songs, the latest trends. i still consider hong kong my home town, but the present hong kong is not the same as the one i know anymore.

so basically, the point is, i don't fit into anywhere. i get along great with the bbc, and those chinese / asians who have been abroad for ages. but that's about it.

ya. that's why i said, it's pathetic.

rant 01

why do people have to make such a big deal over such a tiny little thing?
that's what i meant when i said people magnify their own problems.
get over it young man.

身材

好討厭啲男人喺女人面前講第二啲女人0既身材, '嘩, 嗰個正啦, 夠大喎!' '嘩, 條腿咁粗, 仲著短裙?' '嘩, 嗰舊扒, 据唔落喎!' 可能我自己 insecure 啦, 總會覺得佢哋咁樣喺我面前講, 係想間接踩我咁. 即係你哋自己男人同男人之間講我唔 care 囉, 但係唔妳喺我面前講囉唔該.

唔知啲男仔 fren 喺我背後踩過我幾多次呢?

shame

i'm so ashamed of myself. my mum and my sister are ever so proud of me for making it to vet school. i, on the other hand, have been lagging behind since day one. i know i've got so much more to offer, i know i haven't tried my best. what's going on with me? i've let my family down, i've let myself down, yet i'm doing nothing about this.

my mum has spent all her money on me, she's put all her hope on me. i can't fuck this up.

this is what i need

i figured it out. i need to learn not to give it all up just because of a little hiccups. i need to ditch my all-or-nothing mindset, which is probably the root cause of most of my problems.

now i know why people pray. i'm praying for some strength. amen.